Where they're going
by Improbable Creatures
Summary: Spoilers: don't read this if you haven't finished WHERE SHE WENT! Adam and Mia's lives after 'where she went' left off. I'm so in love with that book! But this story just kept popping into my head. Also, there just aren't enough fanfics for this awesome love story. All characters belong to Gayle Forman. Reviews welcome;)
1. Chapter 1

Mia

It was a particularly dreary day, almost Portland dreary. Almost. He landed in Vancouver at 5am, I'd offered to come meet him at the airport, but being as I flew in the night before, he told me to just go get some sleep, he'd meet me at the hotel later. Since I was feeling like a zombie after these last few months of no sleep and inter-continental flights, I didn't argue.

Trying to squeeze in any moment in these last few months to be together proved rather difficult, a night here,a day or two there, a 6 hour layover, where miraculously we ended up at the same airport. All these moments I cherished with everything I had, now knowing that we were coming to the last leg of it, I had a bit of a Christmas morning feeling about the whole thing. The last leg of Adam's tour would be the worst part of it. 2 solid weeks of back to back shows all through Canada and North America, with not even one night off, which meant 2 solid weeks apart. My tour was finishing up in Eastern Europe so I was flying to Prague the next afternoon. We had a little over 24 hours where our tours overlapped-thank god. Our plan after all of this was done, is to meet back in New York, at my apartment. I would be there a few days before his tour was over, it didn't matter, I was counting down the days, but for now we had a day and a half. We would make the most of it, like we always did.

I'm sleeping on the bed when I start to feel someone lightly playing with the strands of my hair, brushing a piece softly off my face, I know it's him, it's always him. For a second I'm not sure if I'm dreaming this, then my eyes flutter open, and there he is, the face I know so well. I must have really been out, because I didn't even hear him come in.

"Hi" I eek out, yawning.

He laughs a little

"I've never known a musician who needed so much sleep" he teases.

I'm still half asleep but I smile anyway

"Oh shut up! I didn't get in till 1am" I whine.

He slowly bends down and kisses me on the lips, it's like an electric current shocking my system, I'm suddenly very awake and very happy. I pull him in and kiss him harder. He obliges my every move, slowly I start to take off his shirt. Little pulses of heat come off my hands as I run them slowly over the planes of his chest. He slightly shivers.

I suddenly realize I'm fully clothed in jeans and a hoodie in the bed. I laugh a little. I must have been more exhausted than I realized when I got in here.

"What?" He asks kissing down the length of my jaw.

His touch is like fire, consuming me. Making me want more. I almost forget why I laughed.

" nothing.. Just... I didn't realize how tired I was. I didn't even change out of my jeans."

He's now kissing my collar-bone. Suddenly his head jerks up and there's that flirty grin of his. His head cocked to the side just slightly. Staring.

"Well please, let's remedy that situation immediately" he says in mock horror.

"Mmmmm" I say, still sounding a little groggy.

All of a sudden Adam is under the covers with me and his hand has found the soft spot of my belly. Slowly moving his hands up my torso, he starts to undress me. I still feel the butterflies bouncing around my stomach as his touch intensifies. Even after all these years apart, I feel it. Hands and lips and skin. Bareness touched chest to chest. Every part of my body is an answer, and the answer is yes.

Slowly he pulls away just an inch to look me straight in the eyes.

"I love you Mia" he says.

I lightly touch his face and smile. This is Adam. My Adam. Every horrible thing we've walked through just to be here. In this hotel room in Vancouver. Together. Just to say these words to each other. The words had never stopped being true. And I'm so grateful. I'm not grateful my family is gone, I miss them still everyday. But after a long time off feeling fucked up about it. I'm grateful that I stayed. That Adam stayed. That somehow we found each other again. I lean in and lightly kiss him on the lips and then look at him. The intensity is back and my whole being is on fire. I follow his lead as he takes me into our own private oblivion. I'm not sure I ever want to come back.

Afterwards, We fell asleep and awoke a few hours later. Slowly getting up I look at the clock on the night stand.

"shit! it's already 6pm! How long did we sleep"

"Who cares" he smiles at me. Lifting an eyebrow " besides we weren't only sleeping" his smile widens to that big goofy grin that is the true essence of him. I can't help but laugh, I know he's right.

" I know but I only get one day with you. I didn't want to spend it only in bed."

"I can't think of a better way to spend it." He smirks. " And correction, it's a day and a half, your flight doesn't leave till tomorrow afternoon and I have the night off, remember"

My panic dissipates, but the countdown of time never leaves, like a gavel ready to fall, screaming at me._times up!_ I relax back into his arms and we lay there looking at each other.

" so what would you like to do today, er.. I mean tonight?"

"stay here in this bed with you all night" he answers.

" hmm, that does sound like a lovely idea. But, what about dinner?"

He gives me a slightly annoyed look

" Mia, what do you think room service was invented for?" He sighs.

" order whatever you want, let's call it a night. I just want to be with you" he murmurs against my skin.

" I know your right. That's all I want too. It's just.. knowing that this is the last time before the tour ends..." I look down, a little embarrassed to admit how I'm feeling, but I say it anyway, "I'm just going to miss you, that's all."I know this makes him happy, because his face lights up like a Fourth of July firework.

" I'm going to miss you too, you have no idea. But it's only 2 weeks. It'll be over before you know it" he softly kisses the top of my head.

" and then I'll be home to New York, with you" my face lights up too.

I don't know why but just something about the thought of Adam being with me in New York, living with me in New York, just makes me really happy. But following that sweet and savory daydream I often have is an underlying worry about what he's giving up. I just can't believe he's really going to quit the band. We haven't really talked much about it since our first night back together in Brooklyn. He's already told the band. I know him well enough to know when he's made a decision he sticks with it, and selfishly I'm really ok with it. I love the idea of him being there, day and night, but I also know that music is his passion, he needs it like air to breathe, and I just don't want him to regret it.

A little later after we've ordered some room service, including a huge slice of chocolate cake that was ridiculously expensive, but worth every penny. We're flipping through the tv to figure out what to watch. It's 10pm but Were both wide awake, having showered and drank maybe too much coffee, and there's the different time zones were on too, I decide I should just bring up my fears with him.

" Adam?"I ask quietly.

I'm laying on the couch with my legs draped over his. He turns his face towards me and smiles

"Mia?" He says back with smirk.

I hesitate. Why does his smile always have that effect on me? It's like hijacking my brain from what I really want to say and making me think about skin and lips and touch. Stupid brain. I muster up the courage to just blurt it out.

"Are you sure about this?" I eek out. His expression darkens and I suddenly realize how that sounds. I correct myself

" I mean about the band. Not us. We're good. Great" I'm stumbling over myself. Breathe Mia. I sigh.

" I just meant, are you really sure about quitting the band? Is this really what you want?"

He looks at me for a long moment, his eyes searching mine, I don't know what he's looking for, but he seems to find it. His smile is a little sad but resolved.

"Yes it is. I'm sure" he answers back, "why?"

Just say it Mia, I think. Not wanting to upset him or anything, but if I loved him I would say it. So I do.

" it's just.. Being a musician, it's who you are. Like air to breathe. Water to drink. it's in your DNA, but It's a gift Adam. And I can't stand the thought of you throwing it away..." he opens his mouth to respond, but I cut him off.

" I'm not done" I say. " please just listen.." He nods.

What comes out next is mostly a monologue of all the things I've felt and some things I've never told him.

" these last few months have been amazing, being with you I mean, and I'm really glad I've gotten to see a lot of your shows. But something's been bothering me for a few weeks now. Lately when your on stage it's like you! The old you. The fire. the spark. The intensity. It's all there. You bleed it out on the stage. and I can feel it coming off of you and it's amazing. It's like you came back from the dead or something.." I pause. Noticing the sudden shift in his mood. Is he mad?

I continue anyway,

"I went to one of your shows" I blurt out.

He ponders this for a moment and the resentment seems to ebb away

" you did? When? Where? Why didn't you come find me?" He asks in a hurry, though we both know the answer to that last question.

"Where do you think? Where do I live? New York.."

"Madison square garden?" He asks.

" yes. It was collateral damage. I don't know why, I just had to I guess.. I sat in the nose bleed section. It really doesn't matter, and besides you were already with.." I trail off. I don't really want to say her name, and besides it's not really about his ex girlfriend anyways. He seems to sense my sadness or my jealousy, I'm not really sure which one, and he grabs my hand and squeezes.

" my point is, I sat in this huge stadium surrounded by strangers and I was completely in awe of everything you'd managed to accomplish, but then you guys took the stage, and I don't know there was just something that was off. Not the music, it was a great show. You killed it. But even from a hundred feet away looking at you from a jumbo tron.. There's was nothing. No fire. No spark. I could see it in your eyes. Like You were just going through the motions. Like you were a zombie. Afterwards when I was back at my apartment, I just remember thinking that maybe it wasn't my best idea to go.. Because I knew I'd never get the image of your eyes out of my head. And I couldn't bare to think that that's what you'd become.. Because of me."

Tears have started to roll down my face, and I'm Embarrassed for being such a dramatic girl. Adam doesn't seem to care either way, he scopes me up so that I'm sitting in his lap and we both just look at each other for a long time.

" I wasn't going to tell you that" I admit shyly.

" I'm Glad you did" he practically whispers.

"Yeah?"

" your right Mia. I was dead inside for a long time. But I don't want you to feel guilty for that. A lot of it was my own doing. I don't know why things had to go the way they did. But all I can think of now is that, in some twisted ass way, it brought me full circle. Back here to you."

How do you heal wounds so deep? How can you mend a broken heart? When you're the one who caused it. I guess with time and with love we can try to be what we once were, if not a better version of it. I tried to get over Adam, I really truly did. I even had a few relationships that never really went anywhere. I had just given up on the idea of that I guess, I was comfortable in my aloneness. That is until the day he showed up at Carnegie Hall, and all my barriers blew out like the wind. We're both crying now, holding each other.

"I should've know that even from a hundred feet away on a jumbo tron, you'd still be able to see right through my bullshit" he chuckles into my hair, slowly running his hand up and down the length of it. I smile into his chest. Suddenly I look at him and it's like a mirrored reflection of all my longing and wanting staring back at me.

" I love you Adam. With everything I am." I kiss him gently.

Smiling he responds.

" I know. But I want to be absolutely clear about something. I'm quitting the band, not music. I meant what I said before, I just need sometime to be me, to be with my guitar, to remember why I fell in love with music in the first place. And yeah, you're a part of that equation. But a really good part. We're going to be ok you and I. I just know it. Do you believe me?"

"Yes"

"Then trust me Mia. I know what I'm doing."

I nod and he kisses me again but this time there's a fire burning low but strong. I want him to take me into that place again, where nothing exists but us. He seems to sense my urgency and happily accepts. It doesn't matter whatever we face in the future. Because of one thing I'm absolutely positive. I choose Adam. And he chooses me.

The next afternoon he takes me to the airport, before he has to head out to the venue for sound check. I loathe goodbyes, but especially with him. I fight the urge to cry, Jesus when did I become such an emotional girl. Adam grabs my hands, which are still always cold and warms them with his breath like he always used to. For a second it feels like everything else has fallen away. And we're the only two people in this world huddled up In the corner of the airport.

"Call me when you land?" He asks.

I nod, never taking my gaze off him.

"I'll see you in 2 weeks" I smile.

"I'll be counting down the days" he responds.

He wraps his hands around the back of my neck and pulls me closer

"I love you Mia" he whispers against my breath. Finally his lips touch mine and I'm taken away to another place. A place I never want to leave. Suddenly I hear the giggles and realize we've been spotted. He must notice it too cause he pulls away, and slightly shifts his gaze to where a group of girls is standing 20 ft. Away with they're phones pointed at us. He sighs and rests his forehead against mine. My eyes are closed, "you'd better go, before we get mobbed at the airport by a bunch of teenagers!" I say.

He laughs and shakes his head in agreement.

Still holding on to the back of my head as he responds.

"Have a safe flight"

"Have a good show" I respond, he smiles.

One last look and he starts to walk away.

"Wait" I almost shout. At this point the girls with the cell phones are getting a great show, but I don't care. I run back up to him, crushing his mouth into one last kiss. He tenses for a minute, shocked, I guess from my sudden onslaught of PDA. Then he starts to smile, Pulling away he looks momentarily dazed, but happy.

"I love you too"


	2. Chapter 2

Adam

It's funny how things change, but yet still kind of stay the same. Like here I am, still Adam, this guy from some nowhere town outside Portland. Who fell in love with music at such a young age, then lost it for a while, then somehow found myself and the music came back. I'm not gonna lie and say that Mia didn't play a huge part in that Journey, she always has, but if you'd told me then that in-spite of all the shit we had to go through, we'd end up here. I'd of laughed your ass right out of the room. Not to say I didn't think we deserved it, it's just so far from any happy ending my brain could have mustered up, that my dreams before pale in comparison.

I left shooting star just like I planned to do after the blood sucker sunshine tour. It was bitter-sweet, and scary, yeah sure, but it was also in a weird way so freeing. I knew the others would have some serious feelings about my departure. So I was expecting the worst to be thrown at me. But in the end Liz and Fitzy's reaction wasn't really as terrible as I anticipated. Liz definitely got it. Looking back now, I think she was probably the only one who really understood the level of heartache I was living with on a daily basis for those 3 years. Maybe even more than I did. She told me she was bummed out, but that touring on this level definitely takes its toll even on the best relationships, for the first time acknowledging the strain touring had put on her and Sarah's relationship since collateral damage.

I think finally we came to an understanding of each other, and I got exactly why things were so off after that first tour: To her I had just given up, I ran away, I ran to LA and hid behind some movie star girlfriend, I wasn't dealing, shit I was hardly even breathing. It pissed her off, so she just stayed away. Can't say that I blame her, I wasn't exactly easy to get along with back then, but now shit was better between us. I for one am grateful, I've had enough awkward silences and disappointing looks to last a life time. Fitzy, was well Fitzy, he didn't give me to much grief, and if he did it was in that way of his: half sarcastic, half welcoming. So it didn't feel so much like a dig.

The only real thorn in my side was mike, who pretty much ignored me the whole tour until the second to last show we played in San Francisco and mike showed up to dinner half in the bag, drunk or high I couldn't tell (so much for his recent stint in sobriety) with some pretty choice words about my departure. What was I gonna do walk away, I'd done enough of that in the past. I took his onslaught of F-bombs and worse, without a flinch. Weirdly I wasn't really all that mad, I couldn't blame him. He was scared, we all were a little, about the future, but he was also battling his own demons, And that had nothing to do with me.

I was just glad Mia wasn't around to hear that one. The next day he showed up severely hung over and apologized. I let it fly, and we played one hell of a last show. I left every ounce of sweat and blood and fire I had in me on that stage.I hopped on a plane that very same night and took the red-eye straight to JFK airport.

I should've slept on the plane, by all rights I was exhausted. It was a long final stretch of the tour. 2 solid weeks with no breaks, playing every night all through out Canada and North America. Which meant 2 solid weeks of no Mia. She was finishing up another leg of her tour in Eastern Europe. We talked and texted everyday, some nights we got lucky, depending on the time change, and were able to Skype, from our separate hotel rooms. It wasn't much but it got us through.

The whole flight I was wired, like I'd just drank a bunch of super strong coffee, but all I kept thinking about was the future; hers and mine, ours. How so many things were uncertain about our future except this; we were definitely together in it. Wherever she goes I go, and vice versa. So when the plane started the final decent into New York I looked outside the window and smiled as the first few rays of early morning sunshine fluttered through the sky, and I imagined a sleeping Mia at her little red brick home in Brooklyn, in our bed waiting for me. And my heart started to pound.

"What do you mean you're not going? You have to" Mia objected, as she started to pour more coffee into my cup.

" you know how much I hate those things, Mia" I sighed, as she gave me the best damn Kat Hall expression, full arched eyebrow and all, that I'd seen in a while. Subtle things never cease to amaze me, like how the older she gets the more of her moms fire and certitude I see in her. She pours us both a bowl of cereal and locks eyes with me as she sets it down. I sigh, I know what's coming.

"I know you do. But it's such an accomplishment Adam, you deserve this. Win or lose you deserve to show up and to stand up for your music" she's got me locked in her gaze now and I can see the subtle smirk playing on the edges of her mouth. She knows she's won, and is slightly amused by it.

I relent, "fine... But if I'm going. Your coming with me." She stops up short, and instantly freezes.

"What? Why? No way"

"Oh so it isn't okay for me to not want to go, but it's ok for you?" I can't help the smile that comes, but it's relinquishing any sort of guilt trip I might have ben able to carry out.

"Yes well you're not the one whose 7 months pregnant are you? What am I gonna wear a paper bag? I can't hide it! Maybe in the beginning yes, but I mean, look at me... " I do and she's right, her bump is definitely not hide-able. But I don't care, she's still the most beautiful thing I've ever seen. To which I explain exactly that. Dramatically rolling her eyes she responds

"Your just saying that because you have to" then she softly rubs the bump on her stomach.

" no, I'm saying that because it's true." I lean across the table and kiss her lightly on the lips, no burning fire yet, but there is a spark.

" and besides I'm sure there are plenty of dresses, maybe black dresses, that can minimize our little secret" I laugh.

"Some secret.." She scoffs, "it's only been all over page 6!" she mocks the latest tag line in an onslaught of coverage lately.

"Is Mia hall gaining weight or is that a baby on the way?" "Mia kicks Adam out" "is Mia pregnant with twins' 'how Mia tamed the Wilde man'!" We both start laughing.

" I mean how ridiculous! Do they even know how dumb they sound trying to sell these stupid papers!" She sighs, then looks up at me, dead in the eyes.

She gives in, "I'll go. But don't expect me to like it"

"Don't expect me to like it" I reply, pulling her closer to me.

" and I won't do the red carpet thing. No interviews. Let's just sneak through the back? Deal?"

"Deal!" I smile then my mouth meets hers and I put my hand on her belly.

There's a subtle kick.

Many things in these last 4 years have changed a lot. The most noticeable and noteworthy is that first off, I'm going to be a dad, and damn if that doesn't make me the happiest person in the world right now. The second biggest thing is that a little over a year ago I released my first solo album Prepare for landing, on a quiet little indie label based out of Milwaukee. The record is a total departure from anything I've ever done in the old shooting star days, given that I didn't really expect too much from it. Hell, I would've been happy if only 10 people bought it. I wasn't after the money, it was the record I wanted to make. Every song on that album means something to me, so I was a bit hesitant at first to put so much of myself out there again. Mia helped me see through it, saying that was what musicians do, you put it out there. You release it into the world, and then let go of the outcome. So like I said I didn't really have much expectations for it, I was stoked just to play out again. Even if I played to 10 people in a fricken dive, at least I was playing. But then something crazy started to happen, the title song started to get played on the radio, a lot. Then it started climbing the charts. Nothing massive to compare to the shooting star days, but still it was doing something. 6 months after it's release some movie wanted to use one of the songs on their soundtrack. And it just kept going from there. Critics seem to really like it. And as opposed as I have become to rock interviews I actually found that it wasn't so bad, I didn't mind these interviews as much, maybe it's because I didn't have anything to hide anymore.

By this time the whole world knew that Mia and I were together. At first it was still jarring, being stalked by the paparazzi, fans climbing over walls or sneaking into hotel lobby's just to try to get a picture of us together. I think the fuel from my split with Bryn just added to the fire, but then once everyone knew the past it was like some tragic ' Romeo and Juliet finally find happiness' angle the press kept trying to spin. It eventually died down after the blood sucker sunshine tour came to an end. We didn't really fuel their fire, we weren't out club hoping or bar hoping. So thankfully the press got tired of us and left us alone. Until the news broke about Mia's pregnancy then they came right back. This time not as frenzied, not as many of them, but they were still there, always lurking in the shadows. As long as they kept enough distance I was fine with it. Mia says it's the price we pay for being who we are, but I still think they're vultures.

6 months after prepare for landing was released and began taking off, the album was even nominated for a Grammy, a week later Mia told me she was pregnant. I proposed right then and there in our small bathroom on the first floor, still staring at that plastic stick with the pink plus sign on it. She was crying and told me that just because we were having a baby didn't mean I had to marry her. I laughed, as if that would be the only reason I'd asked. I meant what I said, but began thinking that maybe proposing in our bathroom without a ring wasn't the most romantic thing. So I just held her and kissed the top of her head and told her we could finish the conversation another time, but that we were having a baby and this was great news, and that I'm still crazy in love with her. The very next day I bought her a ring and 3 days later I officially asked her to marry me. She said yes.

So here we are, neither one of us wants to go to this awards thing, but we will. No wedding date set just yet, Mia doesn't want to get married till after the baby comes. Stating that her mother and father would be spinning in their graves if she had a shotgun wedding while 7 months pregnant. I don't mind, I know it will happen. Besides I'm just happy where we're at, but some voice inside of me thinks that Kat and Denny know exactly what we've been up to, and they couldn't be prouder.


	3. Chapter 3

Mia

Shit, I'm running late. The car will be here any minute and I'm still not sure which dress to wear. Damn it Kim! answer your phone! I curse. For the 3rd time it goes to voicemail.A knock at the door.

"Are you sure your alright in there?" Adams voice, slightly amused. I'm already panicked, and nervous, right now Id like to lock myself in this bedroom and come out when it's over.

I sigh, " yeah, sorry just a couple more minutes. I promise"

"Okay"

Looking at myself in the mirror is like looking at one of those distorted fun house mirrors, everything looks somewhat normal except the rather large bump in the middle of my torso. Everyone says I'm small, Adam says you can hardly tell I'm pregnant from behind, but it doesn't feel that way. Right now I feel like a two ton ship. Like a giant blue berry trying to squeeze myself into this vintage black dress. Black it is. Black is always slimming so I guess that is the better choice.

I suck it up, silently cursing Adam for making come to this with him. I could just watch the whole thing from the tv, what better excuse to stay home than being fat and pregnant! I think. But I do want to support him. His album is amazing. I'm so proud of him. I think it takes a lot of courage to go out on your own. While I know he sometimes does miss the old days with Liz and Fitzy, maybe not so much mike (given his current circumstances) but he has become such a multi-talented musician. He really blows me away.

Another knock

" ok, coming.. Swear"

" the cars here" Adam breathes out impatiently.

I give myself a once over in the mirror. Good enough. I open the door hastily

" sorry, I'm really sorry.. Ok, I'm Ready to go" Adam just stares at me. He is standing in the middle of the door way so I can't get by

"Are you ready" I ask him hastily.

" you look beautiful" he says all of a sudden. My annoyance and frustration all dissipates, and I can't help but smile.

" thank you, you look really handsome yourself" I offer

" nah this old thing" he winks and I laugh.

Truth be told Adams outfit eerily reminds me of something my dad would've loved and worn. Fitted black pants with a button down shirt, a pair of creepers, and a vintage smoking jacket to top the look off. I tell him my observation to which he laughs and then states.

" I always did think Denny had great style" I smile, feeling the tiniest little ache in my heart. Now more than ever I wish he was here to see this. He would've loved it.

The whole business of being a rock star seems exhausting. Although Adam loathes that word, especially when I pin it to him. We arrive in downtown Manhattan, Radio City Music Hall to be exact. And everyone who's anyone is here, rows of blacked out SUVs surround the venue all the way around the block, waiting to drop off, which ever the latest 'it' girl or guy is. They get out, wave at the plethora of screaming fans then make their way down what I refer to as the gauntlet of the red carpet.

Aldous is with us as we arrive, thank god. he escorts us out of the rather large SUV and down a side street to a back alley entrance some of the other celebrities like to use. Those celebrities or musicians, that like us, prefer to not walk the red carpet. I told Adam he could go it alone, I wouldn't be bummed, to which he responded with a laugh,

" do you really think I want to walk through that"

We're led through a series of hallways and a few escalators and then out into the grand ballroom.

It's a bit jarring at first. I'm not a person to get star struck by any means, but when your surrounded by so many people who you've seen in this or that movie or heard on this or that song, and they start talking to you like they know you, it can be interesting. Adam seems to take it all in stride. I think with Aldous here he feels a little more at ease of having to deal with the industry side of his career.

Aldous stayed on with Adam even after his departure from shooting star, Adam no longer needed a babysitter, or a manager at that point, but I suspect that they had grown a fondness for each other after all they'd been through. Adam doesn't really talk much about those days that we were apart, but I know it was hell for him. I also know that had it not been for Aldous helping him make it through it, I don't know if we'd be here today.

The lights start to dim and everyone starts finding their seats, Adam leans over to me and whispers in my ear," After my categories up, let's go home and order take out" I smile as he squeezes my hand

"Deal" I whisper back.

After a while, all these awards start to sound the same, so I'm kind of not really paying that much attention. Then Adam squeezes my hand really hard as his category gets announced, I think he must feel really nervous cause suddenly he leans over and says "on second thought, let's go get take out now" I laugh, thinking he's joking, and then I notice the panic in his eyes and the pure dread and I'm about to reassure him that it's ok when all of a sudden the woman at the podium announces 'Adam Wilde, Prepare for Landing'

we both look momentarily dazed then I smile and kiss him hard,

"Adam! you won!" I shout.

He smiles the biggest grin I've ever seen, then he stands up to go get his award.

I'm shocked, no stunned. I'm just so happy for him, I can't believe it. Not that I didn't think he could win, I did, truly I did. It's just that when it actually happens you realize how much of yourself was trying not to think about it. He starts off by thanking all the people involved in making the record. Talking about how much he loves music. He thanks Aldous and his parents, and all the people back in Oregon. Then my heart stops because he says my name. Time ceases to exist in that moment, because what he says brings tears to my eyes and I have to fight them off

".. And to the love of my life, Mia. Thank you for our son. Thank you for everything. You make me a better song writer and a better man." And I completely lose the battle against my tears as he walks off the stage.


	4. Chapter 4

Adam

The rain outside is still coming down hard and I can't sleep. I've never been a great sleeper, Especially in the early days of Collateral Damage. I'd gotten so used to walking around like a zombie, that I didn't even realize how bad my insomnia had gotten. These days it's a little better, though some nights I still feel restless. Like tonight, or should I say morning, because as I glance at the clock It reads 5:45 am. Shit. I'm laying on my side watching Mia sleep, she's been out for hours, well since the last feeding anyways. She's always been a good sleeper, lucky. My eyes graze over the angles of her face, the softness of her lips, and the tiniest little freckles across the bridge of her nose, you'd never notice them unless you were this close. I still have mornings where I wake up and wonder if this is all still a dream. A fear that seizes me for a second now and then, that it's not real and I'll wake up back in LA in my misery, without Mia, without my son. Then I remember that it's just my anxiety and that this really is my life and I feel so incredibly grateful.

I can't help but reach out and brush a loose strand away from her face as her chest slowly rises and falls with each breath. The faintest smile appears on the edges of her mouth, she must be slightly awake. I pull her to me and bury my head in the crook of her neck, breathing her scent, she smiles wider and softly yawns. I kiss right behind her ear and though she's still half asleep I feel her body shiver and she gives a faint sigh. My whole body is awake to her, as her eyes slowly flutter open, she smiles. I kiss the top of her forehead,

"Good morning" I whisper.

"Mmmmm " she yawns again, "it's still early" she argues with a smile.

"It is" I croon, while playing with her hair.

"Teddy?" She freezes for a second.

"He's still asleep, don't worry"

She relaxes back into my embrace. Finally her eyes focus on mine and we stare at each other for a few seconds.

"Can't sleep?" She asks.

I shake my head. She puts her hand on the side of my face and smiles. The warmth of her touch is making my body temperature rise by the minute. Staring into her laser beam eyes is like falling Straight into the abyss.

"Bad dream?" She asks, again still holding my gaze.

"No. Just the stupid voices in my head don't want to shut up" I laugh sarcastically.

"Mmmmm" she nods.

"I can think of a way to shut them up" and she leans in, and it's the kiss that does it. The spark of a flame. My heart starts to pound. She laughs because she knows the effect she has on me. I slowly roll over on top of her and she happily submits to my every move. Slowly I pull the t-shirt she's wearing, my t-shirt, over her head. She kisses me back this time with more intensity. Since having Teddy we don't really get many moments like these anymore, so I'm just kind of savoring the moment and I want to make it last forever. Our breathes are coming out ragged and my heart is pounding. Skin and touch and the urgency behind Mia's lips. So I'm kind of lost in all of her when the phone on the nightstand starts to ring.

We ignore it.

Mia's hands start moving faster, urgent, and I'm following her lead as she pulls me under her spell again. The phone starts to ring again, pulling us both back to reality. Damn it! I break the kiss, pulling back for just a second. Who the hell is calling me this early in the morning. I look at the screen and see the name Liz. I send it to voicemail.

"Sorry" I mutter. As I crush Mia back into a kiss. She moans softly and I know I'm forgiven. The heat is back and I'm dying to be consumed. Her fingertips work they're way up and down my torso, and it's like little electric frissions at every place they land. I'm ready to go. Pulling me back on top of her, so is she. The phone starts ringing again and this time it's Mia who breaks the kiss, panting breathlessly.

"Maybe you should get that" she frowns.

"It might be important"

I just stare at her for a second while our ragged breathing slows in unison. I roll my eyes.

"Fine" I grumble.

Leaning over to the bedside table I grab my phone hastily and look at the screen. It's Liz again. I'm pissed. What the hell could be so important. I swipe the screen from left to right and answer it

" this better be freaking good" I answer annoyed.

But what comes over the line freezes me in an instant. It's Liz and she crying. Not just crying, sobbing into the phone. My strong, tough, butchy ex-drummer is losing her shit all over the phone. She's sobbing so hard that I can hardly make out what she's trying to tell me. I don't even register all the other things going on at the same time, like the baby who starts crying on the monitor in our room and the fact that Mia has somehow removed herself from underneath me to go get him. Or that she is coming back into the room now with our son in her arms and looking at me like she's frightened.

"Adam" Liz sobs. "Are you there? Did you hear what I said? He's dead.. Mikes dead"

And this is the moment of clarity because everything rushes back like I'm catapulted into the present moment from some far away place. I hear what Liz is telling me, but I can't quite comprehend it. Mikes dead. Mike from shooting star. My old roommate and band mate. Dead. Liz found him. Mikes dead. I'm still processing this. And Liz's voice breaks through the haze again

"Adam!" She asks more annoyed now

"I'm here" I respond quickly.

"I'm sorry, I just... What? How?" I try to form a coherent sentence.

She exhales a tornado, starting with a whole explanation of the night that would irrevocably change all of us forever. I knew mike had been doing bad, but I thought things were getting better for him. I guess I didn't realize how bad. Liz tells me the details and though the instant shock is wearing off a little, I'm still stunned by it. Liz proceeds to tell me there's going to be a funeral on Saturday in our home town outside Portland, she gives me the details and asks me if I'll come, to which I reply of course. I few seconds to write a few things down then Liz tells me her and Sara will pick me up at the airport if I want, but that she has a lot more people to call. I say ok. Then she hangs up. It's like someone handing you a bomb and walking away. I'm still not really sure what just happened, but this time it's Mia's voice that breaks me out of my haze.

"Adam! What's wrong" she asks pacing back and forth with Teddy In her arms.

She looks like a deer in the headlights, afraid of what she's going to hear. I look at her and sigh, was it just moments ago we were naked and trying to make love. Life's a bitch. I think. I find some resolve and respond

"It's Mike. He's dead"

The last time I saw mike was over a year ago. Prepare for landing was already out. There was a lot of press coverage after it started winning some awards. There was a big festival out in LA and I was invited to play. It wasn't anything major, I wasn't headlining like back in the shooting star days, but still I was happy just be out there playing music again. After the show there was a lot of people hanging out at the hotel bar, some swanky downtown Art Deco building that had been turned into the musicians Mecca that weekend. All the bands were booked there for the long festival. We never really hung out at those types of places, but I was kind of wired after the show and Mia had suggested that we should go and hang out with the other musicians. So we did.

At this point Mia was only a few months Into her pregnancy and she had finally started feeling better and not being so sick, and I think she wanted to capitalize on every ounce of energy she had. We ate dinner and hung out with a few of the other singer/songwriters I'd become good friends with through the gig circuit. I was definitely a little buzzed at that point. There were a lot of people there and it was a pretty dim-lit place so imagine my surprise when in walks mike. We were actually getting ready to head back to our room, when he strolled up high as a kite reeking of booze and two groupies, one under each arm.

"Holy shit! Adam Wilde, back from the dead" he slurred. Mia shot me look that I still can't really describe, it was of the Oh shit! Variety.

"Mike" I nodded. "How's it going man" I asked, not really caring but trying to make small talk.

"Why do you care?" He shot back. " aren't you a big rock star now? To big for us small town folk" then he leaned in and whispered.

"But I know who you really are" and then sat down with his groupies flanking him on both shoulders.

I cocked my head to the side and looked at Mia, as if to say ready to go. She nodded.

"Actually I have a proposition for you" mike spit out, oblivious that we were now getting up.

I couldn't help it, I laughed, he was propositioning me?

"Oh yeah?" I answered back.

"Yeah" he looked dead at me.

"See once your solo thing runs out of steam, you'll come running back to us, so I'm giving you the option now. We should get shooting star back together" and it's the way he said it, that got me, like he was doing me a favor. Maybe it was the few drinks I'd had, but My blood started to boil. Mia saw what was happening, and grabbed my hand to pull me out of the room.

"When was the last time you even held a guitar, let alone played?" I spit back.

"I tell you what, when you dry out.. If that ever happens... You give me a call" I smirked, and turned my back to walk away.

Hell hath no furry like a junkie scorned.

"Oh fuck you Adam! You self righteous little shit! Everyone knows you're a sell out! You and your fucking snobby bitch ass girl friend!"he shouted.

And that was the comment that did it, I turned around so fast to knock his ass out and it was Mia's hand that stopped me. She yanked me hard into the other room. And pushed me against the wall with both hands on my shoulders

"Don't!" She commanded.

To late, the rage was consuming me. She probably sensed it cause then she grabbed my hand at put it on her tiny bump that was still hide-able, it froze me there and she held me there with her gaze.

"He's just lost. He doesn't know what he's saying. He probably doesn't even know where he is right now... This is the only thing that matters" as she said,THIS, she held my hand a little tighter over her belly. I slowly felt the urge to annihilate mike dissipate. And I nodded. I grabbed her by the neck and kissed her hard. All the adrenaline still coursing through me had to go somewhere. At this point people in the other room were staring and mike was still blabbing on and talking shit, but I didn't care anymore. I didn't even glance back. I grabbed Mia's hand and headed towards our room.

The next morning while I was down in the lobby getting us some snacks for the road, mike approached me again. He looked like shit, like he hadn't slept and can you believe that he actually had the balls to ask me for money. The realization hit me like a ton of bricks, mike wasn't staying at the hotel, he probably wasn't staying anywhere. All my anger dissipated and I just felt pity for him, for what his life had become. I told him to fuck off and walked away. I never told Mia that, but That was the last time I ever saw him.

I'd heard through various people or friends from back home, that he'd been in and out of rehab for years. After shooting star broke up he tried to jump-start a few different bands, but nothing really panned out. Mike had always struggled with addiction issues, even in our early days, he was always the wild card. Well, until I took that spot for a few years. The last I'd heard he'd moved back home to Oregon and was trying to clean up his act. Liz told me they'd even jammed a few times and he was working a normal job at some factory while working a twelve step program. We didn't always get along he and I, but I never really hated him. I was honestly happy when I found out he'd gone back to Oregon, to make something better of his life. I honestly hoped he'd find the kind of happiness I have some day, I guess it wasn't in the cards. Since this morning, all I kept thinking about was the last time I saw him, with the cold finality of telling him to fuck off. This news saddens me in a way that I haven't felt in a long time. This little voice inside my head keeps saying did I do enough? What could I have done? I could have tried.

Mia hands me our son, who is smiling and thank god has no comprehension of what just went down. I kiss the top of his head.

"I have to go back to Portland" I say.

She nods.

"I'm coming with you" I look up. A little shocked.

Mia hasn't been back to Oregon in almost 8 years. Since the day I put her on that plane, and watched her fly away from me into another life, another world. I think she's still afraid to go back. Afraid of the memories and the ghosts there. So I'm shocked she's volunteering to come. Instinctively I decline her offer.

"You don't have to" I say.

She looks far away for a moment finding some resolve. She lets out a deep sigh.

"Yes I do. It's time, Adam. We're coming with you" she states with finality. she takes Teddy into her arms again, and hands me a cup of coffee.

"Here, you need this" I nod.

She walks out of the room, and I'm starting to get ready. I need to book some plane tickets. We're going back home, to bury a friend.


	5. Chapter 5

Mia

Theodore Adam Wilde was born on a snowy day in mid December, two weeks before Christmas. He was my gift. The only thing I was really admit about was not having him in a hospital. Ever since the accident almost 8 years ago, I loathe hospitals. They make me feel panicky and claustrophobic, something you don't want to feel when your trying to push out a baby. We argued about it for a few months Adam was worried about the dangers of having a baby at home, if something were to go wrong. We compromised on a birthing center we found in Brooklyn. Just a short drive from our place, and they had enough medical equipment, nurses and mid wives to make Adam feel comfortable. Plus, they were only a few short blocks from the hospital, for peace of mind.

My mom had Teddy in a birthing center in Portland, so in a way this felt right, like it was meant to be. I still remember the day he was born, the music she listened to, and how hard she grabbed on to my hand with each contraction. I remember how red-faced Teddy was when he came out, and the fact that when he opened his eyes for just a second he looked directly at me, not mom, me. It was like being rooted to the ground by a pair of eyes I'd never seen before, like flying, it was magic, I fell in love with that kid right then and there. I'd always felt this over protectiveness towards Teddy and mom and dad always joked that I was his real mother. I was so different in so many ways from all of them, but when it came love, we were equals, we all had that in spades.

During my whole pregnancy I kept feeling my moms presence all around, like she was there with me. Every time I was scared, I would hear her voice reassuring me that it was ok, that it was normal. The night I went into labor, I didn't really know what was happening. It wasn't super painful at first like I imagined it being. I just thought I was having some light cramps here and there, like Braxton hicks. I was laying on the couch with our dog watching tv. Adam was in the other room working on some piece with his guitar. When I got up to go to the kitchen my water broke, and shocked, I started to cry. Six hours later, I was exhausted, but it was all worth it the moment I saw his face.

We named him 'Teddy' in honor of my brother. Whose life was cut to short, whose life should have lived on well past my own. Adam told me once how much losing my brother had gutted him back then, how he really loved my brother like he was his own sibling. So when we found out it was going to be a boy, it was an easy choice.

I've heard it said before that the baby's soul chooses you, and i never really bought that. I always thought that was some kind of hippy bullshit. Though, I remember my dad telling me once how from the moment he saw me he was over come with this feeling of certainty, like he'd known me all his life. That's what it was like looking at Teddy for the first time, like he'd always been there, he'd always been ours. Adam doesn't like to admit it, but he totally cried when our son was born. For hours we just stayed there staring at him, watching him sleep, in awe of this perfect little thing we made. I still find myself doing that from time to time, I love watching Teddy sleep, it somehow calms me. So as our plane starts its final descent into Portland, Oregon, it's his sleeping face that's calming me, because truth be told I'm terrified of being back here.

After our plane lands, and were walking through the terminal to get our bags, I don't know why I'm surprised to see some photographers here but I am. The second they spot us it's like a field day. Adams exhausted, he hasn't been sleeping much, and I can tell he's instantly annoyed. Teddy is still out thank god, in his baby carrier that makes it so he's strapped to my chest. I just want to get our stuff and get out of here as soon as possible, I just keep my head down and focus on my baby's face. Adam try's to be gracious, while shielding me. As they ask him questions, he says no comment. They're asking him about Mike and the funeral. Vultures. I think. Is nothing sacred? Have they no respect for the dead? I know the answer. We've spotted the carousel and get our stuff, this kid could sleep through anything I swear. As we start towards the door one of the photographers bumps my left side really hard and Teddy starts to fuss, I'm about to lose it when I see Liz running inside towards us.

"Adam!" She shouts. "Mia!"

She runs up to us and helps us get our bags, she gives a wicked look and the photographers start to back off. We get outside and notice that Sara is driving, as she sees us she smiles. Finally, finally! We're inside the car.

Adam jumps in next to me.

"Let's go" he breathes.

"You ok?" He turns to me while putting his hand on Teddy's head. Protective. I nod, because right now I feel very far from ok, but I don't want lose my shit in the car, and my son seems to be out again, and I really don't want to wake him. So I lie.

The whole drive from the airport to Liz and Sara's I'm quiet. It's eerie, like visiting a past life, and that's exactly what it is. Like a tomb, not a lot has changed since I left, and I don't know why this surprises me. We pass by so many of the little landmarks I remember from my years of growing up here. Suddenly I feel like I'm holding my breath. I don't know why I'm so anxious being here, it's not like I haven't come to terms with everything that's happened. I mean, I still hear my family in my head everyday, so why do I feel like a vice grip is on my heart and my stomach has bottomed out. I was prepared to be cut to the bone with memories when I boarded the plane in New York.

I think Adam senses my discomfort because he hasn't let go of my hand since we got in the car and every few minutes he squeezes lightly a few times. A sympathy pulse, letting me know he's here and it will be ok. Thankfully Liz and Sara live on the opposite side of town from where I grew up. I feel a little lighter since we've pulled of the freeway. As I get out of the car and look around I take in the smell of the pine trees and the everlasting dewy-ness of Oregon. Like the dampness in the air after a good rain storm. It's smell brings me back and I start to relax. I don't need to be afraid. This is my Home. As if to solidify that thought Adam comes up behind me and whispers in my ear

"welcome home" he says.

I smile, Then I let him take my hand as he leads us into Liz's house.


	6. Chapter 6

Adam

I've dreaded this day since we first landed in Portland. Today's the funeral. Today we say goodbye to Mike. I've never really been great with death, even less so now after everything I went through with almost losing Mia. I think back to everything that happened then, and I don't know how I survived it all. I remember sitting in the waiting room, before I was let in to see her, and thinking what if she died? What if she went before I had a chance to tell her how much I loved her. How much losing her that way would destroy me. Life is such a mixed bag sometimes. We walk around in this bubble, never really thinking anything bad will happen to us, we take so much for granted, and then one day everything changes.

The last funeral I went to was here in our home town in Oregon. It was the funeral for Kat, Denny, and Teddy. It was awful. Everyone was crying, and not really sure what to do or say. Everyone, that is, except Mia. I remember holding her hand, but she wasn't really there. She didn't even cry, she just looked pissed the whole time. That should have been a sign I guess, but I missed it. I can't imagine losing her again like that, or Teddy, it really would kill me. So when I look at her now I just feel so incredibly lucky. I grab her hand and squeeze. She smiles. Is it wrong to feel happy your alive in the face of tragedy? I guess not. Mike's a different story all together though.

Liz was the one that found him, so the story goes. In the end the autopsy would show what everyone already knew, he overdosed on prescription pills. She said the last time she saw him he was 7 months sober, working a twelve step program. I guess he hadn't showed up to work for 3 days before anyone got worried, but he was supposed to come over to Liz and Sara's for dinner that night, and a jam session. So when he never showed up and all her phone calls went straight to voicemail she got a sick feeling in her gut and decided to go by his house and check on him. It's no secret mike had struggled with addiction issues for years, so she thought maybe he'd relapsed and she'd just find him drunk or passed out. I guess when she got there the door was slightly open, so she walked in. She found him alright, lying face up in a pool of his own vomit. He was blue. I know that image will never leave her mind as long as she lives, which explains why she was so hysterical when she called me. I was one of the first few people she called, after his family and 911. The guilt that I feel now is a heavy layer. It's not like Mike and I were ever really close, but I just keep thinking about the last time I saw him, how i told him to fuck off and how I really and truly meant it. I don't know if there's anything I could've even done, but I feel guilty none the less.

"You ok?" Mia asks, as we approach the cemetery.

We're sitting in the backseat of Liz and Sara's car, I just nod and squeeze her hand again. I know better than to try to hide any of this from her, so I'm not the least bit surprised when she leans over and looks me square in the eyes and says, "it's not your fault, Adam"

"I know" I reply.

"Do you?" Her look is inquisitive. She's reading me now, assessing the damage. I let out a deep sigh, she's right, I need to let it go. I run my hand through her hair and am always surprised at the calming effect just touching her has on me.

"Yes" I stare at her a moment longer, then pull her to me and kiss her lightly. Softly.

"I love you" she murmurs. I smile.

"I know"

Hand in hand, we make our way to the gravesite where all the chairs are. Liz and Sara are right behind us.

The funeral went by fast enough, but was depressing as hell. Aren't all funerals like that? Despite Mia's reservations, I'm glad we left Teddy with her grandparents. This is no place for a baby, not that she wanted to bring him, it's just that she was afraid he would be too much for them to handle, at their age. They'd both laughed at that. Told Mia that they have more experience raising a baby than she has, and it will be fine. I don't blame her for being nervous, we've never spent a night without him since he was born. But her gran just ignored her and took Teddy into the living room and started playing with him, he didn't even cry, so I think that put her more at ease and we left. A bunch of us are going back to Liz and Sara's for an after funeral thing, I was gonna say after party, but it's not really a party when your mourning the dead.

Back at Liz's there's a whole buffet of food that everyone's brought, and enough alcohol to get everybody nice and drunk. The atmosphere has lifted a bit, people sitting around and sharing stories about mike, stories about the band, the early years. Liz even found a bunch of our old show tapes, while digging through the basement yesterday. Videos that Sara used to take when she would come with us on tour as Liz's plus one. There's even a video of one of our Halloween gigs, Mia's in it. I remember it well, it was our first Halloween together. I'd dressed up as Mozart, tights and all, and she'd come dressed up like Debbie Harry, or some type of rocker chic. It was the first time that she actually looked like she was having fun at one of our shows. Mia looks mortified as Liz points her out. You can totally see her dancing around in the mosh pit with some random girl. I can't help but laugh.

"Oh god" Mia covers her face with her hands.

"Tell me when it's over" she mumbles.

We're both a little buzzed, this being our first night baby-less and all. Earlier Mia had walked straight up to me, handed me a beer and a shot and said 'let's get drunk'. I smiled and we took the shot. It definitely took the edge off. Liz's voice breaks through

"C'mon Mia. It's not so bad" Liz laughs.

It's the first time I've seen her laugh, or even smile, since this whole thing happened. Then she turns her face towards me

"I knew you two were goners the first time I laid eyes on her" she jokes.

"You're a hopeless romantic, Adam"

Yep, Liz is definitely drunk.

I fire back, "Your one to talk..."

She smirks and I pull Mia, who seems to have overcome her humiliation of the video, closer to me on the couch.

Liz and Sara have been together as long as I can remember. They got married a little over a year ago up in Washington state, just outside Seattle, Some farm that belonged to a friend of Sara's family. Mia had to get clearance from her doctors to fly, being that she was more than half way through her pregnancy at that point. In the end we made it and it was a great weekend. It was nice to hang out and catch up with so many people from back home. When we're in New York it's so easy for us to get sucked back into our own little bubble. We don't have any family there, some friends, more acquaintances than anything. Most of the time it's just, Mia, Teddy, and I. So it's nice to feel connected to some of the people we've known for so long again.

The next thing I know Sara is coming down the hall with a guitar in her hand and headed straight for me. She hands it to me with a wide smile, I know what she's doing, she wants us to jam. She hands Liz her drum sticks and we start to play. At first it's just me and Liz, but then Fitzy who's been hanging out in the kitchen starts to join in and before I know it were having a full on jam session, like the old days. I'm looking at Mia, whose smiling, and I have this overwhelming sense of family. Being here again, it feels like home to me. I think Mia must feel the same, because the look she gives me is so telepathic it's scary, like she can read my thoughts and she feels the same way.

Later on that night, and definitely a lot more buzzed, we retire to the guest room we're staying in. The second I close the door Mia pounces on me, crushing my lips to hers, at first I'm startled, then I give into it. I move her towards the bed and lay her down. She runs her hand through my hair and I feel chills run all the way down my spine. I start to undress her and she sighs softly, she smiles and I'm a goner. I want to consume her, all of her, now. I undress myself and lay next to her, I start to move on top of her and she happily submits. I pull her mouth back to mine, suddenly she stops.

"Wait" she pants.

"I have a favor to ask you" her laser beam eyes staring straight into my soul.

"Anything" my breath comes out sharp, ragged.

Mia keeps staring at me, searching for something, I don't know what. Then she looks down a little hesitant. Then she takes and deep breath and asks me

"I think I'm ready, tomorrow.. I want to go see my family" she whispers.

The smallest rebel tears form on the edges of her eyes. I know this is a big deal to her. Mia hasn't been back to visit her family's grave since the day of their funeral. 8 years ago. I nod while stroking the side of her face

"Of course. We'll go in the morning." I say

"After we get Teddy" she interjects.

I smile and agree, "after we go get Teddy"

"Thank you, Adam" she pulls me Into A deep embrace, I can smell the fragrance of her shampoo, like summer wild flowers and rain, intoxicating. She whispers in my ear.

"I love you"

I kiss her back and it's like an electric current pulsing through my veins. There are no more words. There's just skin and lips. Skin reaching outward, and lips pulling apart. Pulsating with every movement. If I lived a hundred years I'd never find a better place to be than in Mia's arms. I'm pulled back under her tide, waves crashing. All consuming. Oblivion.


	7. Chapter 7

Mia

Two days ago when we were out running errands for stuff to get before the funeral I made Adam take a slight detour. As we rounded the corner of my old street my heart started to palpitate. It felt like looking at something through tunnel vision, everything around the edges is blurry, but the center is crystal clear. The center is my old house, the house I grew up in, the house that belonged to Kat and Denny Hall.

What saddened me the most was how it looked the exact same, nothing changed, As if all I had to do was run through the front door and I'd find Teddy in front of the tv, or mom sewing something cool, or dad smoking on his pipe, and they'd all been there all this time, just waiting for me. For a split second that thought actually seemed real. I wanted to make it real. I wanted to crawl inside that day-dream where I had my family back and live in it forever, As if the accident never happened, then Teddy started to fuss in his car seat, breaking the illusion. I slouched back in the front seat deflated. Adam grabbed my hand

"Your hands are ice-cold" he laughed blowing on them like he always did.

I shrugged, I appreciate the attempt to lighten the mood but it wasn't exactly working. I couldn't stop staring at the house that once was mine. I don't know what I was expecting to feel like when I got here but now it was all so real.

Adam sensing my sadness suggested,

"We could go up there? Maybe knock on the door? I bet whoever lives there now wouldn't mind letting you see the place, you know, all things considered..."

I shot him a look, maybe harder than I intended. But the only thing sadder than the way I'm feeling now would be to go inside my old home with everything inside changed, with different people's stuff, where my stuff once laid. No I couldn't do that.

"Or not" Adam gave up. Blowing a hard breath out through his cheeks.

"No" I murmured. "I can't.." Was all I could manage to say.

"I know" Adam half smiled, and brought my hand still entwined with his up to his mouth and kissed it.

I allowed myself one more minute to look at the house. Then I told Adam we could go, and we drove away.

I'm sure most people might wonder why it's taken me so long to ever come back here, 8 years is a long time, and truth be told Im Not really sure myself. It didn't start out that way, it's not like I boarded that plane and said I'm never coming back. It's just being in New York allowed me to get lost a little. Lost in myself, lost in the world. I didn't have to think about it so much because I wasn't constantly reminded of it, which was nice at first, but then it became this fear of coming back. The fear of memories resurfacing, of the pain, and the sadness. In the beginning there were days when I couldn't get out of bed, not because of my physicality, but emotionally I was wrecked.

When Adam came back into my life and we were together again, that fear slowly dissipated. It was nice to talk about them again with someone who really knew them and loved them too. He never pushed me to come back here, or to face my fear about it, I think he just figured I'd deal with it when I was ready.

I still miss them every single day and it's the little things that get me now a days. Like Teddy's first word, or his first step, Or Adam winning some award, or how amazing he is as a father. All the pictures that are now piling up on the walls of Teddy, or me and Adam. I think about what pictures with my Son and my parents would look like hanging on our wall, Or when Adam officially asked me to marry him and he'd had a ring, how my first thought was yes! And my second was how I wished I could call my mom. I know Adam doesn't mind waiting for me to get it together and plan our wedding, he's not in a rush, besides neither one of us is going anywhere. It's just that every time I go and look at a venue or think about a guest list or my wedding dress, or whose going to walk me down the aisle, I can't help but feel the sadness of knowing their not going to be there. In my head they're always there, yes, But physically, never again. Sometimes I just don't want to think about it so I put it to the side and focus on Teddy, or Adam, or practicing my cello.

In a strange way, you'd think as we wind our way towards the cemetery now, where their buried, I'd be a mess, but I'm Not, I'm calm. I glance at the sky and am so glad the clouds are still grey. Not that I want it to rain or anything, but nothing's more off-putting than when your sad in the bright sunshine. Adam hasn't let go of my hand since we picked up Teddy from my Grans. By the looks of it he had a great time because he's still passed out in the backseat. We had to stop at the booth towards the entrance to ask where the Hall plot is because it's been so long neither one of us remembers. I bought her flowers, star-gazers, her favorite. For my dad I bought tobacco, and for Teddy one of Adams picks. I think he would like that. He always loved punk rock music.

"Hey guys" I eek out. With a lump in my throat the size of Canada. I'm standing directly in front of their headstone. It's beautiful, black quartzite with all three of their names spelled out in some type of cursive script, and at the very top in bigger scrolled writing is the name HALL, in all capital letters. Mom, dad, and Teddy are all buried together in the same plot. The way it should be. I always found some comfort in that. Even if I couldn't be with them, and even though their souls have moved on, their physical forms will always be together for eternity.

"It's been a while" I continue. "sorry about that..."

I'm holding Teddy in his baby carrier, he's looking up and smiling at me. Adam offered to take him, to give me a moment alone with my family, but I think the comfort of having him attached to me now is keeping me from breaking apart. Besides, there's nothing I want to say that I wouldn't say I front of them. Adam puts the flowers, tobacco, and the pic on the headstone and returns back to my side.

"This is Teddy" I start, "but I know you already know that. He's almost one. Which is kinda crazy. Now I understand why everyone talks about time going by too fast. Adam says he looks like me, but I think he's kind of a perfect mix of both of us. He's a wild one, like Teddy used to be. He'll probably end up being a drummer.." I laugh a little and feel the tears start streaming down my face. Adam grabs my hand and squeezes, and doesn't let it go. I continue on with my monologue of what my life is like now. I tell them all about Teddy's first steps and first words. Adams amazing album. How I'm still playing the cello, but not touring so much anymore because I want to be home with our son as much as possible. How I think maybe eventually I'll retire the recital circuit and maybe become a music teacher like my dad. Adam talks to them too. He tells them not to worry about me, because he's going to take of me, forever. How he asked me to marry him, and I actually said yes. We're both crying now, tears visible on both our faces. It's not embarrassing though, it's actually comforting. From the beginning my family, and my home was always a safe haven for us. It's nice to know that still exists. After awhile, when we've said all we have to say, we both just kind of stand there in silence for a bit. A thought occurs to me, and it's something I've never told them. So I do.

"I miss you guys everyday, and I'm so sorry about what happened to you. But I want you to know that I'm glad I stayed..." I glance at Adam who looks shocked by my admission.

"..and I'm ok. So don't worry about me.."

Afterwards we decided to go get some lunch. My anxiety always making it so I can't really eat much, suddenly I was ravenous. We went to one of our old favorite places, the Mexican restaurant we used to always go to after Adams gigs late at night. I felt a weird sort of serenity flowing through me, just really calm, and maybe a little lighter. Adam has Teddy on his lap and he's giving him a tiny piece of his burrito, and he's saying something to me but I'm not really listening. I'm still kind of lost in the thought that has over come me. He waves his fork I front of my face and it breaks me out of the haze

"Hello? Earth to Mia? Did you hear what I said?"

"Oh,..Sorry, what?" I respond.

He looks slightly annoyed but responds.

"I was saying we could be back to New York by the weekend. When we get to Liz's ill book the flights"

Oh. Without even thinking about what I'm saying I blurt out

"We should get married this weekend.." Stone silence. I continue.

"..here. In Oregon."

I wish I had a photograph of this moment and Adams face. It would be worth a lot of money. He's dropped his fork and is staring at me like he just saw a ghost. I smile and raise my eyebrow while taking a sip of my coffee. He's still processing it. Teddy starts laughing, and then I laugh, but Adam is serious.

"Are you messing with me?" He asks a little confused.

I shake my head no.

"Nope. Dead serious"

He's still silent. I'm going to help him.

" look, I just want to marry you. And I don't care about big fancy weddings, dresses, or cake, and bullshit. I don't care if there only 5 people there. Or better yet, if it's just me, you, and Teddy. It's just being back here.. It feels right. Like it's meant to be. This is our home, Adam. This is where we met, so it seems only natural that we should forever be joined together here.."

And then, oh my god, the smile that crosses his face is the definition of happiness itself. It's a ray of sunshine on a grey winters day, it's the reason I get up every morning. It's life, bottled in magic. He doesn't say a word, he just leans over the table, baby and all, grabs the back of my neck, and kisses me hard. He is Fire, and passion, and burning with desire. I forget for a moment that we're in a public place, or that there's a baby here. Because that kiss is consuming me, making me want more of him. Suddenly Teddy speaks up.

"Mama" he croons. And I can't help but smile wide, breaking the kiss. We both start laughing.

With our foreheads still pressed together I take a deep breath and come back to earth. Sitting back in his chair, with that goofy smile. Adam looks like 10,000 lightbulbs are lighting him up from the inside.

"Yes. I'll marry you this weekend" He breathes out ,smirking. As if his answer was ever in question. I laugh a little and respond.

"Good"

I glance at my phone, and then frown, realizing what day it is, and what comes next.

"Holy crap, the weekend is only a few days away. I have a lot to do.." And then I feel the anxiety come back and know I can't finish my food, so I push the plate away. Adam chuckles and hands me our son who is now reaching for me.

"Well you've got two helpers" he laughs. Finishing off the last of his burrito.

"True.. Although this ones not much help, but he sure is cute" I nuzzled my face into Teddy's hair, breathing in the scent of him, and kiss his head.

We pay our bill and head out to the car. I've got a lot to take care of, but first I need to call kim. She better cancel all her plans, because she's got a wedding to attend, And at that moment it really truly hits me; after this weekend I will be Mia Wilde.


	8. Chapter 8

Adam

Remember when you were a little kid and it was the night before Christmas and there was always one thing that you wanted so badly, you thought you might die if you didn't get it. So all night long you couldn't sleep in anticipation of either your greatest happiness or the biggest disappointment and dread of your entire 7-year-old life. That's kind of what the night before your wedding feels like. Well, maybe not everyone's, but that's definitely what the night before my wedding feels like. I can't sleep and I can't stop bouncing back and forth between two emotions; Anxiety and complete blissed-out happiness. The kind of happiness that makes you second guess if any of this is real. Then dread starts to take over. It's not that I'm dreading it, not at all, I'm just dreading anything going wrong that prevents me from marrying Mia. Although a voice inside my head tells me that's ridiculous and nothing's going to happen, but still I'm superstitious, I can't help it.

I roll over to her side of the bed and sigh at the empty sheets, I wish she was here now. Then I could focus on her breathing and maybe fall asleep myself. But apparently Kim, Sarah, and Liz had other plans. They'd all barged into Liz's living room just after Mia finished giving Teddy a bottle and commanded orders at both of us.

"Get up! Let's go" kim barked. Mia and I both looked at each other completely puzzled. But kim had back up, Liz and Sarah flanked her on both sides.

"umm, where are we going?" Mia asked a little scared.

"Well you're not staying here. Your not allowed to stay the night together on the night before your wedding. It's bad luck! Besides we have a surprise for you.."

Mia just rolled her eyes and sighed.

"Oh please. What's going to happen? We already have a baby together." She folded her arms across her chest and refused.

"Yes well, he's coming too.."

We both looked at each other, totally confused, as kim clarified.

"The baby,I mean. Not you!" she pointed her finger at me.

Mia put up a good fight, but she was no match for the three of them. Besides Sarah was already putting Teddy in his car seat, and kim was out the door with Mia's bag. We both just stood there completely dumbfounded.

"I guess I'm going.." Truthfully, She looked a little scared.

"I guess you are" I chuckled and pulled her to me. A flare of heat rising In my chest. Staring deep into her dark eyes i lightly stroked the side of her face and smiled.

"I'll miss you" I sighed and kissed the top of her forehead.

" me too" she pulled herself in closer to my chest, and kissed the side of my neck.

"I might murder them" she whispered, then lightly laughed.

kim shouted from the front lawn, "alright love birds, say goodnight! Mia, get in the car!"

She gave me one last look then rolled her eyes again. As she walked towards them she shouted,

"I swear to god kim, if you are taking me to any sort of bachelorette party or strip club situation I will kill all of you!"

I couldn't help but laugh, the thought of Mia going to a strip club was pretty hilarious. Liz ran up to me as she was walking out the door to join them,

"Don't worry. We're not taking her anywhere scandalous. It's totally G-rated." Then she held up her right pointer finger and index finger, "swear" she said.

"It's your funeral" I shrugged.

She flinched just slightly. Maybe not the best choice of words considering what we just all went through, but she was already out the door and into the car. So here I am alone in a big empty house, with too many thoughts. Wishing I could just go to sleep and wake up tomorrow morning, because that's going to be the best day of my life.

It was only a few days ago that Mia suggested that we should finally make it official and get married. I was shocked at first, wondering if she was messing with me, just to see what I'd say. But when I looked at her eyes, wide and burning with an intensity I couldn't really place, I knew she was serious. She was right, of course, being back here, it all made perfect sense. A few days after that while she was in the midst of some major anxiety, and we we're planning everything out, we'd actually managed to steal a few hours away from everyone. Just us. Teddy was with Sarah and Liz, whom as it turns out are in the process of trying to have a baby of their own. That was definitely a surprise to hear, but Mia was so happy for them, and told them if they wanted practice they could always babysit Teddy. So there we were, just the two of us, something that rarely happens anymore, so we went for a walk around our old home town.

"You miss living here?" Mia suddenly turns to me. Hand in hand as we walk around a bunch of abandoned ship yard docks. Its misting lightly outside, and I turn to look at her, the way the wind is blowing her hair and the light reflecting from her eyes, she looks so beautiful.

I shrug, "I don't know, yeah. Sometimes. You?"

We walk over and sit down on a bench near by, Pulling her close to me, with my arm wrapped around her. she takes a long time before answering, just staring at the sky.

"Yeah, I think I do." She pauses for a moment then continues.

"I don't know, just being back here. There's so many memories of my family. Of us. I never used to really think about it at all you know" she shoots me a sideways glance, and I nod.

"Being in New York, it so easy for us. We get sucked back into our lives there. I guess I didn't realize how much I kind of really do miss Portland" she places her head against my chest and we just stay like that for a while, appreciating the space around us and the beauty of where we're at.

I kiss the top of her head and whisper, "Maybe it doesn't have to be all or nothing"

She looks up at me, a crease in her forehead.

"What do you mean?"

"I mean, Portland will always be our home Mia. It's always here. Maybe we don't have to choose one or the other, maybe we could have both"

She thinks about that for a minute before responding.

"Sometimes when I think about Teddy getting older, I think about all the things of my childhood that I loved so much. Like wide open spaces and riding bikes without worrying about so many cars and just being able to run around and get dirty, and be a kid."

"And camping?" I interject.

She shoots me a sarcastic look and then rolls her eyes.

"Maybe for you," we both laugh.

She continues, "it's just, I want to give him that too. I want him to be a kid, have a childhood. Not live in a bubble of photographer lenses and gossip magazines because of who his parents are." I nod my head in agreement.

I know exactly what she means. New York is great, And it's where we fell in love all over again, but it's also kind of like living in a fish bowl sometimes. It's not as bad as it was for me living in LA, and where not really all THAT famous or anything, but the neighborhood we live in is very popular with artist, musicians, and actors so it's not totally uncommon for there to be photographers lurking about, on the hunt, as I call it. Looking for anyone with some notoriety to snap a pic of. On a really slow gossip week, sometimes they hang out in there big SUVs in front of local coffee shops, just waiting. The next thing you know you can't even take your own kid to the park without hearing the familiar click of a telephoto lens. We take it in stride, but I've never really been that comfortable with it. I like my privacy. And when it comes to Mia or my son, I'm like a shark, you better watch out.

It's not that I haven't thought about it before, what Mia's saying. But this is the first time I've ever really heard her talk about missing Portland, so I'm a little shocked. I grab her hands which are always cold, no matter what climate or season we're in, and hold them.

"What are you saying?" I ask after a long pause.

"I don't know what I'm saying, Honestly.." She laughs, "I just know that something's kind of shifted in me since being back here. And I don't know if it's the place, or the people, but it feels so naturally good being back here. I wasn't expecting that.. "

"I know what you mean"

"Maybe we could move back.." I sort of shrug.

"Maybe" her smile is getting bigger.

"Or we could just think about it for a bit. We don't have to make any major decisions right this second. It's not like Teddy's going to be off to school anytime soon, you know" She laughs at that.

"True" she sighs this time, but it's a happy sigh. A sound that's filled with promise. with light.

Suddenly she turns serious and she grabs my chin and tilts my face up to meet hers. Imploring me with her two dark pools for eyes.

"I do think at some point, I'd like to come back here. If that's ok?" She's still searching, trying to read me, trying to find some resolve. Mia. my Mia. still sometimes so unaware of the hold she has on me. Of the level of my undying love I have for her. Maybe she'll never fully get it, but that's ok. I know. and I'm not going anywhere. ever again.

I pull her face to me and whisper against her lips, "wherever you go. I go."

she smiles. I kiss her soft at first, then all-consuming, until I let the embers burn and we're both a little out of breath.


	9. Chapter 9

Mia

There are so many things that can break you in this world. So many things that are completely out of your control. When I look back at the road I've traveled to get here, it still amazes me that I survived it all. That out of such darkness and despair came the greatest gifts I've ever been given. That's not to say that it's perfect or easy, it's not, some days are still struggles. Some days I'm still sad. Some days I still want to rage against all that's been lost. I guess that's just life, but it's like Adams song says 'after darkness, there always comes the dawn', I still can't get over how crazy brilliant that album is. He amazes me. So maybe this is my dawn, my light. The moment I get to make it all true, my happy ending. How about no more endings. Just beginnings, over and over again. I like the sound of that; Beginnings forever.

So as I'm sitting in this hotel room, in this beautifully simple lace wedding dress that I bought off the rack 2 days ago, that's what I'm thinking about. Beginnings. Because today is another beginning. Today our little family officially becomes one, and even though you'd think it wouldn't be such a big deal, since we've always been one, it is, because I'm the last Hall. Other than gran and gramps, and my extended family, there will be no more Hall's of the line of Denny and Kat, and to me, that's a very big deal.

"You ready sweetheart?" I turn and see Gramps standing there. He's in a black suit, which is a rarity, smiling at me. I nod.

"You look nice" I anxiously blurt out. I can feel the anxiety churning a hole through my stomach. I'm glad I didn't eat much this morning, less of a chance throwing it back up.

"I'm supposed to be the one saying that to you, But thanks...you look beautiful... big day!" He says smiling back at me.

I take a deep breath and nod.

"Mia, are you ok?" Gramps asks concerned.

"Yeah. Sorry... Just nerves" I half-smile back at him. And it's the truth. I'm not scared, I'm terrified. But not about Adam, it's just.. closing another chapter, opening another book.

"I just wish.." I hesitate for a second then continue. "..I wish they were here" I finish lowering my eyes to the ground, not wanting to see gramps reaction to what I just said. He puts his hand lightly on my shoulder and I risk a glance up. The tiniest rebel tears start to form at the edges of his eyes, but he's smiling.

"They are" he says.

Breathe, I tell myself.

"Mia, do you love this man?" He asks suddenly.

I can't help but grin wide as an image of Adams face flashes in my mind.

"You know I do."

" then that's all your parents would want. That's all they ever wanted was for you to be happy. And safe. They're here with you now just as they've always been" and it's true. I can feel it. Even now I hear some version of mom telling me to just breathe and it's all going to be ok. I smile even wider.

"Your right Gramps. Thank you" I pull him in for a hug. He smiles into my hair.

"Don't thank me. Thank Adam, for loving you enough to wait." My heart rate quickens at the mention of Adams name, he's right. I feel the butterflies in my stomach speed up to overdrive. It's time. Really and truly time. I give gramps another glance and smile.

"You ready?" I ask this time.

He laughs. "I was born ready" jokingly nudging my side.

I go and grab my jacket, it's Portland so you never know, and my purse. I turn around again

"Teddy?" I ask a bit concerned.

"He's already in the car. You weren't really listening earlier were you?" I blush a little embarrassed and shake my head no. One last look in the mirror, I look like a bride, I smile, and I'm out the door.

We decided to get married in Portland, in our home town. On the outskirts of town there's an old shipping warehouse, surrounded by trees, and water, and wild life. back in the day they used to throw party's and shows there, and a few times Adams old band shooting star even played. A few years ago, some rich guy bought it and completely remodeled it. Turned it into a venue, where they still have bands play, but also a restaurant where you can just hang out and eat dinner and listen to music if you like. It's still rustic looking in that industrial shabby chic kind of way; brick walls, exposed beams, vaulted ceilings with wooden cross bars to give it an almost barn-like feel. Fitzy and Liz where the ones who suggested the place, being that we were both admit about nothing formal or traditional, specifically;no churches. We took one look at the place and instantly knew, this is where we would be married. Trying to book it on such short notice was a bit of a challenge, but it turns out the guy who owned it was a big shooting star fan, that and a little extra green, the place was ours. My favorite thing about the venue is it boasts a huge wooden deck that wraps around one side of the building, giving it an in-door/outdoor feel.

After that everything just fell into place. It's no big extravagant thing, we decided only family and close friends, mostly all the people who were already living in Portland so it was convient. No industry people, except for Aldous, he flew in from New York. It was lucky that kim was on a break from shooting back to back covers for the AP and national geographic. She was in Boston when I called her, visiting her boyfriend of two years, Alex, also a photographer. When asked if she could bring him I simply said of course, so they hoped on a flight that same night. All together only about 50 people, give or take, to witness our union.

Having kim back by my side for a few days was so comforting, it was like old times, before I was a touring musician and a mom, and before she was a fancy pants magazine photographer. We stayed up late and watched movies, we gossiped while the boys got to know each other. One night after I'd put Teddy to bed, Liz and Sarah had invited them over to have dinner with us,we all hung out in The living room drinking beers and playing card games till we got so drunk we couldn't read the cards anymore.

It was kim who had to be the voice of reason when my wedding anxiety kicked into full gear. I'd refused to wear a white dress, it just felt so formal, so traditional, it didn't feel like me. After all my mom had worn a black wedding dress the day she married my dad. maybe Adam was right, maybe I was becoming more like her as I got older, But white just felt so virginal, and I mean we had a baby, I clearly wasn't that. We had a day to shop and I found a beautiful champagne golden bronze lace dress. it was floor length, strapless, with subtle beading down the bodice, and even though it wasn't at a bridal shop and it wasn't white, everything about that dress screamed 'marry me'. Even kim, who was still trying to bring me white dresses, had to agree. It was the only dress I tried on that she teared up at.

There are no bridesmaids, no pomp and circumstance, only kim and Liz, would be up there with us. Kim being my maid of honor and Liz being Adams best man, or as Liz would say 'best woman'. I was really glad they'd mended their friendship over the years, honestly I really liked Liz and I loved her wife Sarah. Everything was just as it should be. The only thing left was someone to marry us, and this being the age of technology and all, one could get ordained on the internet in just a few minutes. That someone was Fitzy. After Adam had asked him, he got all choked up, then came back 20 minutes later with a certificate and all, signed and dated.

Last night when Kim, Sarah, and Liz had hijacked me from Adam, at first I was annoyed, then I was a little scared at what they might have planned. I kept picturing all kinds of crazy scenarios, given the tendencies of these three very different women. But as we approached one of the hotels in downtown Portland my anxiety started to ebb a bit. At least they hadn't taken me somewhere seedy, I thought as I glanced at the backseat where Teddy lay asleep in his car seat completely oblivious to even being in a car. That kid could sleep through anything I thought. I guess I should have known they wouldn't take me anywhere questionable with a baby. But what awaited me at the hotel was so sweet and simple it made me tear up a little at the girly ness of it all.

They'd booked us a suite, with all kinds of candy, my favorite, chocolate cake, movies, facial masks, and nail polish, and a few toys for Teddy just incase he woke up. I mean here were three women, who on the outside couldn't seem more different, but they weren't, each of them amazing in their own way, and they were all here for me. It made my heart swell with such happiness, and it was one of the best nights I'd had in a while.

So I'm just thinking about all the fun of last night as we start to turn into the parking lot of the venue. I know Adams already in there, waiting to see me for the first time. Gran has Teddy in her arms and gramps offers his hand to help me out of the car. I see Liz and kim, from the corner of my eye, both giving me a shit eating grin from ear to ear. Fitzy gives me a wink and a smile then starts clapping, he shouts my name, and I instantly turn red. I want to murder him. Then Everyone starts filling inside, Fitzy nods one more time, I glare at him, then he heads in.

Liz turns abruptly to me "I gotta go take my place" she smiles.

I nod, then she gives me tight hug before pulling back to look at me once more.

"You look beautiful.. He'll love it," she's squeezes my hand, then she's gone.

Gramps takes up my right side looping his arm through mine. Kim gives me a last look of solidarity. I force myself to stare back at her. The butterflies have eaten their way through my entire stomach at this point. I smile back at her and nod. Then She walks through the door. It's just me and gramps now. He puts a reassuring hand on my arm.

"Ready" he whispers in my ear, but I don't look at him, I just stare at the door directly in front of me. I nod, then I take the first step, and my heart starts to pound.


	10. Chapter 10

Adam

I'm sitting in an empty room, a bar actually, upstairs from the large dinning hall that's been converted into a wedding venue just for us. Fitzy went outside to smoke and to give me a couple of minutes to myself before everything gets started. I stare at the bottle of Jack on the bar, we did a shot just before he went outside, to settle the nerves dancing around my body. He's a good friend. My hands haven't shaken this hard since before Mia came back into my life, back in those dark days I never want to relive again. This time though, they're not shaking from fear, more like anticipation. I'm ready to start, ready to go, ready to marry the love of my life in front of everyone. It's kind of how I used to feel in the early days of Shooting Star, when we started playing shows, the anticipation, the rush I would feel before going on stage. That feeling of such extreme anxiety you might just throw up. I stare at myself in the mirror for a minute. I'm wearing a black fitted suit, vintage of course, with a skinny black tie, an off white button down shirt, and in the spirit of Denny Hall, a pair of vintage black wing tips.

I hear people walking in and taking their seats. I can't help the insane smile plastered all over my face, then I hear Fitzy shout Mia's name from the distance and my stomach almost bottoms out. She's here. and it's time. A few seconds later Liz is running up the stairs with a shit eating grin plastered all over her face, she stops up right when she sees me.

"Whoa." She says looking momentarily shocked.

"You clean up real nice 'Wilde man'..." she laughs.

I glare at her for a moment, Liz of all people knows how much I hate that nick name. That name belongs to another time, an ended time. It doesn't belong here.

"Watch it..." I mutter, "..and thanks"

She comes and straightens up my tie and gives me a once over

"Wait till you see your girl" she smirks. I see Mia's face flash in my mind and have to make a valiant effort to steady my breathing.

"Ready?" She asks.

I nod, smiling back,

"am I ever."

As formalities go this wedding isn't much different from most weddings. There's the ordained minister guy, or Fitzy, who's marrying us. There's my 'best woman' Liz, who is now crying, at my side. I must give her a strange look cause she mouths the words 'oh shut up' to me. There's Mia's made of honor Kim who is losing the battle against her own tears Standing off to my other side. All of this I'm barely registering because suddenly everything goes silent, there's electricity in the air, but not a sound. Or it's a fuzzy sound, like the static on a tv after a movie ends. I hear the pounding of my heart beat thrumming in my ears, because suddenly there's Mia, walking up to me and standing directly in front of me.

I'm not shocked because I've always thought she was devastatingly beautiful, but this is different. She is strikingly so, I'm mesmerized, and I can't stop staring, I'm falling and it's her eyes that catch me, her hand slips into mine and she gives a subtle squeeze, it wakes me up and roots me to the ground. This isn't a dream, this is real. She is all I see, she is all ever want to see. I smile wide and whisper to her across lessening space.

"Your so beautiful"

She blushes bright red and returns my smile.

"Thank you" she whispers back.

The whole ceremony was maybe twenty minutes tops. We said our vows, which we each wrote out ourselves. I had to fight against my own tears as I listened to Mia's words, her vows to me. Even Fitzy got a little choked up, but he played it off. When my turn came, Mia lost the battle as a few rebel tear drops ran down her face. We both stood there grinning like goofball's the entire time. The comedy relief came when our son, who had decided he'd had enough of waiting, said the word 'mommy' rather loudly, in the middle of my vows. Everyone started laughing. The rings were a gift, an irreplaceable gift, from Her Gran and Gramps. These were Kat and Denny's wedding bands. They have been resized, and now fit perfectly. At first I was against it, I wouldn't take something so sacred from them, but Mia's grandparents insisted, stating that it's what THEY would've wanted. So here we are wrapping up the last of all the formalities, as Fitzy says the magic words, and I'm allowed to kiss my bride. I grab her face, staring into her eyes for a moment, and with as much restraint as I can gather, given that we're standing in front of family, press my lips to hers.

The party kicks into high gear right away, there is food, and music, and dancing. Everyone comes up to congratulate us. Mia has Teddy in her arms, he's been rather clingy to her all day. Now that the first shock has worn off, I really take in all of her. Her dress is floor length and this kind of champagne color, her hair is down, with the long dark tendrils in waves cascading down her back. Her upper back, shoulders, and clavicle are exposed, as her dress is strapless, and she's glowing. Every time our eyes meet we both can't help but laugh, and I can't help feeling so incredibly lucky. I get to wake up to this beautiful creature for the rest of my life, she is mine, and I am hers, forever.

We have a DJ, who will spin records in between sets, and there's a band, some old musician friends of mine, who are starting to set up. I have a surprise for her a bit later, but now I'm content to bask in the glow of Mrs. Mia Wilde. She takes my hand, her long slender fingers entwining with mine, and pulls me towards the outdoor deck. With Teddy still on her hip she leads me outside, Liz and Sarah, kim and Alex, and Fitzy, they're all out there, along with some others, having drinks, just hanging out. The second Sarah sees us she smiles and everyone starts clapping, Mia blushes, then she hands Teddy to Sarah, who's waiting for almost any moment to hold him, Liz rolls her eyes and chuckles a little.

"You do realize that's their baby right" she says, jokingly.

"Oh shut up! She's the bride! She needs to party it up, not worry about mom stuff.. We need to get her nice and drunk!" Everyone shouts and yells in agreement.

I wrap my arms around Mia's waist from behind and pull her closer to me,I bury my face into her hair, and breathe the smell of her, she sighs.

Fitzy suddenly emerges with the bottle of Jack.

"Speaking of..what do you say, a shot to the bride and groom.." he holds the bottle higher. Mia grimaces. She's never been a big drinker, and definitely never into hard alcohol.

"What the hell Fitzy, whiskey?" She says in dismay.

"Aww c'mon Mia! Live a little!" Kim shouts from the back.

Mia mocks in horror.

Fitzy starts pouring out shots for everyone, and she concedes.

"Yeah c'mon Mia, you gotta start working on baby number 2!" Liz exclaims.

Mia turns bright red and looks so mortified, that for a second I think she might actually run off and cry. But then she composes herself and spits back.

" yeah well, why don't you worry about working on your own baby" as sarcastically as she can.

There's an evil genius glint in Liz's eye when she smiles wide and responds

"Done!"

For a second I think she's joking, but then Liz looks at Sarah, who is still holding Teddy in her arms, and who is also coincidently the only one of us without a shot glass in front of her and smiles. Everyone goes silent, and looks back and forth between Liz and Sarah and back again. They both just stand there smiling like idiots. It's kim who breaks the silence,

"Oh my god, are you..." But before she finishes, Sarah blurts out,

"I'm pregnant"

Everyone erupts in some form of cheer.

Mia goes over to Sarah and gives her a big hug,

"Holy shit! This is amazing! Why didn't you tell me!" She exclaims whole heartedly.

"I'm sorry. I wanted to, but it's your big day. I didn't want to rain on your parade, you know.."

Mia pulls her in for another embrace. After everyone's calmed down a bit we take the shot.

"To Mia and Adam.." Fitzy says raising his glass. I look to Mia, who is smiling at me.

"..and to Liz and Sarah, god help that baby.." He laughs. Liz elbows him in the ribs and calls him an asshole. I can't help but laugh.

There are some moments in life that I wish I could freeze frame, and live inside forever... that first night back together with Mia in Brooklyn, making love on her couch- I'd told her I loved her again right then and there, without missing a beat, she'd said it back-, the night Teddy was born, the night I asked her to marry me, and this, THIS night is definitely one of them.

We take the shot, Mia grimaces.

"Ugh. Whiskey" she says while shaking her head.

And with that I take her hand and we return inside, to the rest of the party, to our family, and with some of our friends who have become family.

The night carries on as the band plays their set, we all have a great time dancing and singing along. More drinks are shared and I'm feeling pretty good. Eventually Liz, Fitzy, and Myself start jamming with the band, who are some of our friends from the old days. we even play some old shooting star songs. Mia's dancing around with Teddy, who looks totally content, passed out, sleeping in his moms arms. We start to play an acoustic version of this song I once wrote for her, and she smiles at me. I silently wish I had a cello here so she could join in and play with us.

Over the years she's become more comfortable playing music with me, sometimes in hotels, sometimes at home. We used to put Teddy with all of his toys in the middle of the room, and just jam out, until we were both out of breath and Teddy was asleep. These days it's a little harder since he's getting bigger and is now walking. He likes to try to grab at my guitar. I've never lost the urge to want to play with her, the surprise of how good an acoustic guitar can actually sound with a cello. And Mia just keeps getting better, her skill level far surpassing my own. Every now and then I tell her how one day were both going to quit our solo careers and start our own band, just me and her, a cellist and a guitar player, and we'll take our kids on the road with us, and it will be this happy little tour bus with babies instead of groupies, and love songs instead of rock ballads. She always rolls her eyes and laughs, she knows I'm joking, but part of me thinks it would be a lot of fun, just me and her on a stage. I have yet to convince her to play on my next album, though I'm working on it. I have a song I think would be perfect with some cello in the beginning. Although maybe I'm just subconsciously writing songs for the cello, because i like the idea of me and her putting something out there together, professionally speaking.

It's starting to get late and the band has finished their last set, most of the guests have started to leave. Mia's grandparents are long gone and she's talking to Kim and her boyfriend Alex by the bar. Teddy's still passed out in Mia's arms, I see Liz from the corner of my eye, she gives a whistle and I look at her and nod. The party may be over, but I've still got one more surprise for Mrs. Mia Wilde, and right now it's time to go.


	11. Chapter 11

Mia

I was never one for fairy tales. My Dad used to say I was too much of a realist. Even when I was a little girl, and mom would read to me, I was never interested in the same books as everyone else. Cinderella or sleeping beauty, they bored me. I always looked for some flaw in them, all the ways they were highly improbable. Even falling in love with Adam was not characteristically like me. I never had crushes on rock stars, I didn't swoon like other girls at my school for the newest 'it' boy on movies or tv shows. Even as it was happening, I wasn't really aware of it, I just knew that I really liked him, I felt happy when he was around.

That being said, I also wasn't the kind of girl who fantasized about her wedding day. It never really shocked me that we ended up having a baby before we would get married, it's not that I didn't see a future with us, I always did. Even after I left and we were separated, I always hoped that we'd find our way back to each other, somehow. I just never had the frilly white dress wedding day fantasy like most girls I know, but even if I had, any sort of fairy tale I would've imagined would pale in comparison to this day.

It's true what they say, it all goes by so fast. One minute I'm stepping out of the car, belly full of butterflies, ready to start, mentally willing my feet to move one foot in front of the other. The next I'm saying my vows and staring into the same eyes I fell in love with so many years ago, the same lips I wake up to every morning. Trying hopelessly not to lose my shit as Adam takes his turn, TOO LATE!,I think as tears roll down my cheek. I tried as best I could to brand every moment into my memory, to savor every second of this night, because I never want to forget one single moment of it.

It seems like all of a sudden it's over. The dancing, the music, even Adam,Liz, and Fitzy joined in playing with the band. He winked at me as they played a few old school Shooting Star songs, it's been so long since I've seen them all play together. Watching them on stage brought back so many memories, and such happiness to my heart. I think Adam felt it too, because he looked so Alive. My sweet baby boy fast asleep in my arms. I've held Teddy for so long, that when Liz comes over to take him from me my body slightly shivers, registering the lack of his body heat against mine. I see Adam give her a nod, and he starts walking over to us.

"Alright mama Mia" Liz says jokingly, reaching for Teddy. I look at her confused.

"You've still got a nite ahead of you" she smirks.

I instantly turn red-hot, not really sure what she's referring to but I know there's a sexual innuendo in there somewhere.

Adams at my side now explaining.

"I asked Sarah and Liz to watch him for us tonight. I have a little surprise for you... I hope that's ok?" He murmurs, putting his arm around my waist. He lightly kisses the top of my head, Instantly the butterflies are back and My heart starts pounding.

Not trusting my words. I nod.

I give my sleeping baby over to Liz and Sarah and give him one last kiss goodnight on his head, then they're off. And It's just me and Adam now, the way it always was, before Teddy.

He grabs my hand

"Ready?" He asks. There's a smirk in his crooked smile, and his eyes are alive with some sort of anticipation. Part of me feels a little nervous about what this surprise could be. But I just go with it, because why not.

I can't help but laugh a little as I respond,

"Always"

Adam drives us in Fitzy's borrowed car, towards the west side of town. I keep fighting the urge to ask him where we're going. My control freak nature kicking into high gear. Eventually He turns off the highway towards the west suburbs, it's dark out but I can see street lights illuminating the shadows of houses in front of us. The tall oak trees casting shadows of their own in the moonlight. This isn't too far from where Liz and Sarah live, and again I'm wondering why we're here. What is Adam up to. As we come to a stop light he turns toward me.

"Close your eyes" he implores.

I think he's joking so I just roll my eyes and laugh a little, but his face is serious. All of a sudden I feel nervous. Like I'm in trouble.

"I'm serious, Mia. Close your eyes.. And don't cheat!" He adds this time. He knows me so well.

I do as I'm told and close my eyes. Even though I can't see him I swear I can feel the subtle smirk written all over his face. He grabs my hand and doesn't let go, even as we start to go ahead further. I can't resist the urge any more,

"Where are we going?" I ask, in an almost whisper.

Adam takes my hand and lightly kisses the top of it, then quietly laughs.

"You'll find out soon enough. We're almost there." He murmurs.

I start to count down the seconds in my head to keep my heart beat from racing. I feel anxious not being able to rely on my sense of sight. It's a bit jarring. A few minutes later, twelve and a half, to be exact. I feel Adam turn the car slightly left and then stop. He cuts the motor and everything goes still. Quiet. There is no sound but our two racing heart beats, our anxious breathing passed back and forth in the silence. I can tell he's nervous, because he's quiet for a long moment, then he speaks.

"Are your eyes still closed?"

"Yes" I respond. And it's true, they are.

"Ok. Open them"

When I open my eyes I feel a little disoriented. I don't really know where I thought we were going, but this definitely wasn't it. We're sitting in what looks like a drive way staring at a garage door. I glance around and notice that we're in the middle of what must be a neighborhood, although I'm not sure which one, somewhere on the west side. To my right is the house that's connected to the garage. It's a two-story craftsman style home, the outside is grey with black shutters, white awnings, and a bright red door. There's a huge tree in the front yard, and a porch, that from first glance seems to circle around to the side of the house. Except for the color, It looks eerily like the house I grew up in, so much so that I have to do a double take and then I remember that we're somewhere in the west suburbs, nowhere near where I grew up. The lights are off, there's nobody home. And if Adam is guessing that I just don't get it, he's right, I don't. I thought he was taking me to a hotel or something, so Why are we here?

"C'mon, let's go" Adam says with a light squeeze of my hand, as he starts to get out of the car.

I follow him, wordless. Because somewhere deep in my mind there is a realization that's taking root, but I just can't grasp it yet.

We reach the front door and Adam pulls something from his pocket, a key. My mind starts racing and my heart beat is pounding. I start to walk inside, but in one fast motion his hands have grabbed me and are lifting me off the floor, he carries me into the house then sets me carefully down. I'm still in shock. As I look around the first thing I Notice is there's no furniture in this house, it's nothing but bare wooden floors and empty built-in book shelves. It's as if everything in my mind clicks at once, a flip of a switch, and I turn to him. He's glowing, and his smirk is not discreet.

"What is this?" I ask shakily.

He smiles wider.

"This is a house" he responds, Arrogantly. part of me flames in anger. I calm it down.

"I know it's a house, Smart ass. What are we doing here?"

I think he senses my annoyance, because he approaches me carefully, softening his tone.

He cups my face in his hands and then lightly kisses me on the lips, for just a second. All my annoyance melts away, and I'm putty in his hands. Still Holding my face he responds.

"This is a house for Mia.. And Teddy and Adam." He glances around.

"...and whoever else may come along."

Subtle tears start to form at the edges of my eyes and I angrily swat them away.

"You bought me a house?" I Eek out. Still in shock. One stupid rebel tear drop falls down my cheek, Adam wipes it away with his thumb.

"Us. I bought us a house," he responds still holding my gaze.

I break the trance and start to look around. The living room, where we're standing is huge. The hallway connects to the kitchen, and formal dinning room to the left. There are huge windows in the front room and a giant bay window in the kitchen, there's also a pair of french doors off the dinning room that Leeds out to what looks like an ample sized backyard. Adam starts rambling on as I'm taking it all in.

".. Well it's still in escrow, but once that's done it's officially ours. The realtor let me borrow the keys tonight... Do you like it?" He suddenly turns to me.

Do I like it? I'm at such a loss for words. Was it not just a few days ago we were talking about possibly one day moving back here? Adam telling me not to stress about it, that we didn't have to make any big decisions right now. This feels like a very big decision. And he made it without me. Part of me feels annoyed, but then part of me also feels so flattered, so loved.

"I know I said no big decisions, but when I saw this house.. I don't know, it just felt like home. It felt like you and me. I saw our future when I looked at this house."

He seems nervous. Afraid that I'm angry.

"Adam!" I stop him from rambling on. He just stares at me. His eyes so unsure, waiting.

"I.. I love it." I stumble for words.

"I just.. When did you?.. I wish you would've told me."

His smile falls for a split second. Then recovers.

"I know...I wanted too, but then I also wanted it to be a surprise,You know. You've given me a home Mia, a family. More than I could have ever hoped for. I wanted to buy you this house."

Suddenly my whole body feels warm, like it's been lit on fire and all I really want is to feel his bare skin against my own. I walk up to him and kiss him hard. He tastes rather delicious. And my brain is lost in the smell of him,the heat of him, the weight of his body against my own. I let him kiss down the length of my jaw to my collar-bone, then he moves to his favorite spot, the spot that drives me crazy, right behind my ear, and it takes all my concentration to keep breathing properly. I suddenly realize how much of me wants to make love to him, right here on this floor, in our new home, but I don't. There is no furniture after all. I slowly pull away and stare into his eyes. I smile.

" I love the house... And I love you. It's perfect Adam. Thank you" I say through ragged breaths.

He smiles and takes my hands in both of his, blowing on them.

"I'm glad you like the house, and I love you too. So can we go and finish that kiss?" He asks.

I blush

".. I mean I'd take you right here, but I don't necessarily think it would be the most comfortable"

I can't help but laugh,

"Probably not."

I glance around the house one last time and smile. This is our home. I can feel it now, what Adam was saying earlier, it just feels like us. For just a moment I have this crazy vision, and I can see all our babies running a muck in here, I can see Adam playing his guitar or me with my cello, I can feel the warmth and happiness coming from here, and I feel so incredibly lucky. I turns towards him again and smile, slightly tilting my head

"So let's go" I implore.

His face lights up and he grabs my hand again, entwining his callused fingers with my own, and with that we're out the door.

The next morning I wake up to subtle strands of sunlight dancing across my face. It's early still, I can tell without even opening up my eyes. One of the perks of motherhood, and I use the word 'perk' sarcastically in this case, is that your inner alarm clock is somehow always set to the crack of dawn. Even when your baby is still sleeping soundly. In this case there is no baby here, just my sleeping husband laying next to me. HUSBAND, the word sounds so foreign to me, so adult, a word used by my parents, but also fills me instantly with an insane amount of happiness. I suddenly register the warmth of his strong-arm wrapped around my middle and subtly sigh, content. I'm still half asleep but my eyes flutter open for a moment and I take in the room around me. The rose petals are still splayed all over the floor around me, along with the scattering remnants of our clothing. There's an empty bottle of champagne on the night stand, a gift from Liz, Fitzy, and Sarah. My mind starts to flash back to the later part of last night, remembering every detail, I start to feel warmth on the inside.

After Adam showed me the house, OUR house, we got back in the car and headed for downtown. A swanky hotel in the heart of Portland turned out to be our next destination, another surprise cooked up by Him and Liz. When he opened the door and I took it all in, a huge suite on the top floor, with rose petals all over the floor and on top of the bed. A bottle of champagne over ice on the bar. Instantly my feet were swept off the floor again before I managed to take one step. Adam carrying me over the threshold and dropping me lightly on the bed. I laughed. My skin was suddenly on fire again.

"Want some champagne?" He'd asked, heading over to the bar.

"Yes" I responded, taking in the view around me.

There was a pair of doors across from the bedroom, that opened out to a large balcony overlooking all of Portland. Floor to ceiling curtains in some type of flowing fabric covered the doors giving us enough privacy, but I could still see all the sparkles of the Rose City blinking in the distance.

The pop of a champagne cork and Adam was walking back to me with the bottle and two glasses. I couldn't stop thinking about that last kiss back at the house, and how much I wanted him. And even more than that, how this whole day had been like a dream, perfect in every way, and how he was really mine. We cheers and took a swig of the champagne.

"So.." I began,

".. are their anymore surprises up your sleeve tonight?" I ask slightly laughing, while I take another sip.

He smiles.

"Nope. I'm afraid that's it... Disappointed?" He raises his eyebrow while smirking.

I sighed in amusement, feigning disappointment. I added sarcastically,

"Well, maybe next time you'll do better." We both can't help laughing now.

All of a sudden he brushes his hand by my ear wresting it on the back of my neck and it's like he electrocuted my skin. A thousand tiny nerves are all standing on end. He stared at me and then kissed Me. A slow and building fire. Everything was brighter. Every part of me a live wire, a magnet reaching out for its opposite charge. Everything else became a blur because all that mattered was him. Our bare skin reaching outward, our lips never leaving each other unless to breath, or find a new place to land. Seconds seemed like minutes, and hours seemed like days. He is a force of nature, a tide, pulling me under his spell with lips, and heat, and breath, and fire. His hands never leaving my body, and my eyes never leaving his. After awhile of being consumed, exhausted and completely out of breath, we just laid there for a while, I laid across his chest until I fell asleep.

Coming back to myself, I start to quietly get up from bed, but instantly feel his arm tighten around my waist, pulling me back to him. whispering in my ear,

"Leaving so soon Mrs. Wilde?" He asks, still groggy with sleep.

I feel a chill run all the way up my spine as he mentions my new last name, and an insane- can't erase that goofy smile- rush of happiness. He kisses his favorite spot, and I shiver.

"Not leaving.. Just going to order up some coffee." I respond. But it's no use I'm trapped in his warm arms again, and I could just as easily fall back asleep. He continues to kiss down the side of my neck.

"Coffee is a good idea" he murmurs.

"Mmmmm" is all I can manage. I'm enjoying this too much. Screw the coffee.

"Or we could do what Liz suggested, and you know.. work on baby number two.."

Two hours later we actually do get up and order some room service. After we've eaten, showered, and packed our bags we check out of the hotel and head back to Liz and Sarah's. The second we walk in the door I see Teddy playing with some of his toys on the floor in the living room, when he see's me his face lights up and my heart absolutely melts into a million little pieces.

"Mama" he coos.

Scooping him up in my arms I nuzzled my face into his hair and it's the best feeling in the world. Liz and Sarah are there having coffee, and I take a seat at the table. Fitzy's in the living room eating his breakfast and he starts talking to Adam. Liz starts asking me about the house, if I liked it, and when we think we might actually move back here. I Answer her questions as best I can, but all of it I'm barely listening to, because as I look at Adam from across the room and he looks at me, again I'm struck with this feeling of rightness. Of belonging.

We're just two tiny ships in a sea, sailing off together into the great wide unknown. It's always been Him and me. There are no guarantees in this world, and if you let it, it could break you. But in my life I know one thing without a shadow of a doubt, changes will come, and the sea's might get rough, but when everything else goes, we always have each other. That's the way it is, It's always been about us. Me, him, and Teddy Too. And whoever else may come along.


End file.
